out come the wolves

i wanted to die today.so i started smoking cigarettes til the ashtray was full.and then I ate the ashes so I can have cancer as soon as possible.I wanted to drown myself today when I saw her .I wanted to kill myself today when I saw her counting her pills and whispering things.I wanted to kiss her on the forehead but I couldnt.I wanted her to stop crying.I stared at her and smoked til I had cancer.then I locked all the windows in my room and started smoking til cinder chocked me.I shouted and screamed I wanted to die today.I climbed rooftops and skies and dreams.I played with pains and cries and bloods and I wanted him to play with me.I chased her fears and washed her.water wont help her.and I wanted him to wash me and get rid of me.and then I dressed her with my mind.I made her look beautiful again.with red dress and black shoes and a smile.but her pain coloured the dress black.and she started crying and shouting that her heart aches and that her body is weak and that her soul is weak and she might not make it.and then I was dressed in black.and I was crying with her dead body in my arms.and then I shoke my head and Im back to reality and I lay her in bed.and I stay by her side so I can hear her breathing.because I dont want to be dressed in black.and I dont want her dead body in my arms.and I cry and want her life back.and want her soul back and her heart.then I wanted to call him so he can hear me crying and care about me.I wanted him to know that I cry a lot when hes not there.and I wanted to call him just to hear my cries and not say a thing.I wanted to tell him that I smoked cigarettes til I had cancer and that I ate the ashes so I can have cancer as soon as possible and that I bathed her and that I wanted someone to bathe me and that I was aching and shouting and yelling that I wanted to die today.I wanted him to know that Im crying right now.I didnt call him and I didnt die today.